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The Best Advice For Giving Birth You Will Ever Receive

on April 13, 2014

Today’s post is not for the faint hearted.  But if you’re about to give birth for the first time then I recommend you read on.

advice for labour and giving birthForget all the panting they encourage you to practice in NCT classes.  And forget all the short lived straining and groaning you see in the movies and on tele.

Pushing.  Yes we are getting to it now.  You are going to have to push.  But what no-one ever tells you is that you are going to have to perform long sustained pushes that last the entirety of your contraction.  Contractions last for about a minute when it is all getting very serious.  So that’s pushing, as hard as you can for over a minute, every couple of minutes (or less when it’s all getting serious) for quite a long time.  (Hours anyone?)

Ok you say, that doesn’t seem too bad.  (Well it seems pretty bad actually, but hey ho!)

Have you ever tried holding your breath for a minute?  I bet you can’t.  It’s. A. Long. Time.

Most people hold their breath when pushing, really pushing as hard as they can through the bottom end…

So to perform a sustained push during labour you need to be able to breathe whilst sustaining your push.

That’s what you have to practice.  On the loo.  When you’re doing a number two.

Believe me.  The whole labour thing will go a little easier.

Midwifes will not be yelling DONT STOP!  DONT STOP! DONT STOP! KEEP PUSHING!  SIMONE! KEEP PUSHING!

And you won’t be screaming I CAN’T!  I CAN’T Because I have to F*****G BREATHE YOU B****.

Yes, much apologising after labour.

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Don’t forget to enjoy your day.

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2 Responses to “The Best Advice For Giving Birth You Will Ever Receive”

  1. Alana Woods says:

    It always amuses me when in a TV show or film a woman starts to go into labour and immediately she’s groaning and clutching her stomach etc. What I remember is very short little scratch-like feelings and thinking “Mmm, this might be it.” And then it taking hours to get to the ‘Whoa, this is starting to hurt” stage.

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